Episode 11: The Emoji Movie

The eleventh episode of Don't Watch This Shit features the instant classic: The Emoji Movie, starring TJ Miller. It's basically Wreck-It Ralph but with way more corporate shilling. The gang is joined by special guests Keith and Lisa. They not only discuss this trainwreck of a film, they also speculate how the initial idea of a children's bang bus evolved into the Emoji movie. 

The Emoji Movie Trailer #1 (2017): Check out the new trailer starring Anna Faris, T.J. Miller, and Sofía Vergara! Be the first to watch, comment, and share trailers and movie teasers/clips dropping soon @MovieclipsTrailers.

JESSE

1. LISA WILL FALL ASLEEP.

2. THERE WILL BE A "LOST PRINCESS" PLOT.

3. THE MOVIE'S MESSAGE WILL BE "YOU ARE UNIQUE AND SPECIAL" AND WILL ABANDON IT HALFWAY THROUGH.

4. TONS OF PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

5. AT SOME POINT, I WILL SERIOUSLY CONSIDER ENDING MY LIFE DURING THIS MOVIE.

FINAL RATING: 

ALL PROOF OF THIS FILM'S EXISTENCE NEEDS TO BE FIRED INTO THE SUN.

TAYLOR

1. JUST BE YOURSELF WILL BE SAID 7 TIMES.

2. PATRICK STEWART WILL ONLY HAVE A SINGLE MINUTE OF SCREEN TIME.

3. JAMES CORDEN IS GOING TO SING A LA CAR KARAOKE.

4. SOMONE IS GOING TO SAY "BREAK THE INTERNET".

5. THE FOLLOWING PRODUCTS WILL BE SHOWN ON SCREEN:

   • SONY MUSIC

   • SONY PHONE

   • SONY TELEVISION

   • SPIDERMAN

FINAL RATING:

THIS IS A CULTURAL FART.

KEITH

1. REPLACEMENT OF SWEARS WITH RANDOM OTHER WORDS.

2. EVERYTHING IS A TERRIBLE MEME

3. POOP JOKES

4. SHITTY META JOKES ABOUT PANDERING.

5. EGGPLANT AND BLUE WATER DROPS TAG TEAM PEACH EMOJI.

DANCE SEQUENCE AT THE END.

FINAL RATING:

TROPICAL ISLAND MEETING THEIR SHIT GODS SHITTY.

LISA

1. SOME SORT OF DATING APP WILL BE INCLUDED

2. THIS WILL BE ALL ABOUT "YOU CAN BE WHO YOU ARE"

3. TJ MILLER'S CHARACTER WILL SHOW THE OTHER EMOJIS THAT THEY CAN ALSO BRANCH OUT

4. WE WILL SEE THE POOP EMOJI AT LEAST 3 TIMES.

FINAL RATING:

I SLEPT FOR MOST OF THIS MOVIE AND WHEN I WOKE UP THE SAME STUFF WAS HAPPENING. 

Episode 10: Keeping Up With the Joneses

For the tenth episode of Don't Watch This Shit, Mick, Jesse, and Taylor watched Keeping Up with the Joneses, starring Zack Galifianakis, Isla Fischer, Jon Hamm, and Gal Gadot. The latest take on the suburban fish out of water genre, the boys discuss this movie about two nosy neighbors while simultaneously workshopping a screenplay about the Presidents of the United States, starring Jon Hamm.

An ordinary suburban couple (Zach Galifianakis, Isla Fisher) finds it's not easy keeping up with the Joneses (Jon Hamm, Gal Gadot) - their impossibly gorgeous and ultra-sophisticated new neighbors - especially when they discover that Mr. and Mrs. "Jones" are covert operatives.

JESSE

1. KIDS LARGELY UNSEEN AND IGNORED SAVE FOR COMIC RELIEF.

2. JONESES START OFF AS SEEMINGLY BAD GUYS BUT ARE LATER REVEALED TO BE GOOD GUYS.

3. AT LEAST 1 MEXICAN STAND OFF.

4. ZACH G. DOES SLOW-MO DRAMATIC AIMED SHOT TO SAVE JON HAMM/GAL GADOT.

5. AT LEAST 1 HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASE, ESPECIALLY IN A MOM CAR.

BONUS: GAL GADOT STABS AND DRINKS THE BLOOD OF HER ENEMIES.

FINAL THOUGHTS: MORE MAN HAMM!

TAYLOR

1. THE JONESES ARE GOING TO BE BACKSTABBED BY THE GOVERNMENT.

2. A CAR IS GOING TO EXPLODE FROM A BULLET HIT.

3. AT THE END, THE FRUMPY COUPLE WILL BE INVITED TO BE SPIES, BUT DECLINE.

4. NOT A SINGLE GUN WILL HAVE RECOIL.

5. JON HAMM IS GOING TO BE SHOT IN THE SHOULDER, INCAPACITATING HIM SO GALIFIANAKIS HAS TO SAVE THE DAY.

BONUS: FISHBOWL=KEYS

FINAL THOUGHTS: 

I WISH THIS MOVIE HAD ZACH BRAFF INSTEAD.

MICK

1. THE JONESES ARE ACTUALLY GOOD.

2. MOVIE HINGES ON PHYSICAL COMEDY.

3. THE BIG BADS WILL BE NORTH KOREAN OR RUSSIAN.

4. PLOT IS KICKED OFF BY SOMETHING STUPID AND INNOCUOUS THAT NORMAL PERSON WOULD LET GO.

5. MOVIE WILL ATTEMPT TO MAKE HAM-FISTED COMMENTARY ON SUBURBAN LIFE/SPYING ON NEIGHBORS.

FINAL THOUGHTS: 

YOU'LL PROBABLY SEE THIS ON TV.

Episode 9: Fist Fight

For the 9th episode of Don't Watch This Shit, the boys are joined by ALSO THAT regular Keith Roland. The gang watched Fist Fight, starring Ice Cube and Charlie Day. In addition to discussing the movie, the boys also talked about bitchin' giant robots, solid deuces, and the market viability of a product called Fisty-Cuffs. Listen to the full podcast below! 

Ice Cube and Charlie Day star as high school teachers prepared to solve their differences the hard way in the comedy "Fist Fight," directed by Richie Keen ("It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia") - in theaters February 17!

Three idiots talk about terrible movies with the occasional guest.

FELONIES: 5

DRUGS: 5

ICE CUBE ANGRY FACES: 13

JESSE

1. EXCESSIVE MILLENNIAL PANDERING

2. ADMINISTRATION STRAIGHT UP DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT. ACTUALLY, NO ONE DOES.

3. CHARLIE DAY IS TRAINED VIA SERIES OF BIZARRE TEACHERS AND TRIALS.

4. FIGHT DOESN'T HAPPEN, OR CHARLIE DAY IMMEDIATELY EATS SHIT.

5. CHRISTINA HENDRICK'S CHARACTER HAS IT OUT FOR CHARLIE DAY (EX-WIFE OR LOVER FROM ANOTHER SCHOOL DISTRICT)

TAYLOR

1. ICE CUBE GETS A JOB BY THE END.

2. THERE IS GOING TO BE SEX IN THE SCHOOL BATHROOMS.

3. A GUN GETS FIRED, PROBABLY NOT BY EITHER MAIN CHARACTER.

4. A BOXING RING GETS MADE.

5. TRACY MORGAN WAS A BOXER AND THERE'S A FLASHBACK.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

GAMES

MICK

1. CELEB/CAMEO SHOUT-OUTS

2. MULTIPLE FELONIES WILL BE COMMITTED

3. THEY WILL BOTH END UP IN JAIL.

4. TRAINING MONTAGE

5. JOKES WILL HINGE ON GENERATIONAL DIFFERENCES.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

THIS MOVIE WAS A TKO. (I'M SO SORRY)

KEITH

1. DOUBLE TRAINING MONTAGE BUT CHARLIE DAY'S SUCKS

2. THE WORD "FISTICUFFS" IS MENTIONED.

3. ICE CUBE IS ACTUALLY CORRECT THE ENTIRE TIME.

4. ICE CUBE BRINGS AN AX TO THE FIGHT OR SOME OTHER WEAPON.

5. THERE WILL BE A TON OF DRUG REFERENCES.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

IT WAS A SOLID #2. NOT DIARRHEA. 

Episode 8: Santa With Muscles

Mick, Jesse, and Taylor are joined by special guest Danny Henry to watch 1996's Santa With Muscles, starring Hulk Hogan and, for some reason, a very young Mila Kunis. We are also pleased to announce our new theme song, written and performed by Danny Henry (who is real). 

http://www.trailertreasures.com Check out our obscure and hard to find guide on the secret treasures in film! Santa With Muscles starring Hulk Hogan. Worst film ever, or hidden cinema gem? You decide...

PUNS: 8

BONKS: 6

JESSE

1. WRASSLING MOVES

2. WRASSLING CAMEOS

3. CHRISTMAS-THEMED "I'M GONNA BEAT YOU UP" PUNS/ ONE-LINERS

4. SANTA WILL NOT GO TO PRISON

5. ENDS WITH A NICE FAMILY CHRISTMAS DINNER

FINAL THOUGHTS: 

NEEDS MORE WRESTLING

TAYLOR

1. ANOTHER WRESTLER WILL APPEAR FOR CAMEO (MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE)

2. IT WILL SNOW AT THE END EVEN THOUGH IT'S IN CALIFORNIA

3. SCIENTIST IS EVIL BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET PRESENTS AS A KID

4. THERE WILL BE CGI INTRO CREDITS THAT HURT TO WATCH

5. THE CHILDREN WILL HAVE A TON OF ONE-LINERS

FINAL THOUGHTS: 

THIS MOVIE PUT ME IN A SLEEPER HOLD.

MICK

1. TOO MANY PUNS

2. MULTIPLE HEAD BONKAGE

3. CHRISTMAS WILL ONLY BE PERIPHERAL TO THE STORY

4. HULK HOGAN DOESN'T STOP BEING SANTA

5. THE "EVIL PLOT" WILL MAKE NO SENSE AND WOULD BE EASILY ACCOMPLISHED THROUGH MURDER.

FINAL THOUGHTS: 

THIS MOVIE PUT ME IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

DANNY HENRY

1. HULK HOGAN ENDS UP WITH THE MAIN KID'S MOM

2. BLACK MAN ONLY SAYS STEREOTYPICAL RACIST THINGS

3. CLINT HOWARD GETS REALLY HURT

4. HULK HOGAN MEETS THE REAL SANTA

5. ONE SCIENTIST IS GOOD

FINAL THOUGHTS: 

I KIND OF WANT TO MAKE A SEQUEL AFTER A HEAVY AMOUNT OF DRINKING.

Episode 7: Repligator

Mick, Jesse, and Taylor watched 1996's Repligator, a piece of thrill-rotica about soldiers, sexy babes, and cheap raptor masks. There isn't anybody famous anywhere near this movie unless you count the guy who played Leatherface in the old Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which nobody does.

Bret McCormick's wacky, sexy sci-fi send up is a hoot. Soldier boys get teleported and morphed into hot soldier babes. There's more but it's too incomprehensible to put into words. This movie is a must see for fans of off-the-wall zaniness with a high breast count.

TITS: 13

PRODUCTION MISTAKES: 12

LASERS: 25

JESSE

1. SCIENCE GADGETS SAVE THE DAY

2. ALLIGATORS ONLY AFFECT WOMEN

3. HORRIBLE, BLATANT SEXISM

4. INEXPLICABLE NUMBER OF WOMEN

5. LITTLE PLOT COHESION. SCENES NEARLY EXIST IN A VACUUM.

FINAL RATING:

IT'S LIKE WATCHING THE BORING PARTS OF A FETISH PORNO.

MICK:

1. THIS WILL BASICALLY BE A RIPOFF OF ALIEN.

2. THERE WILL BE A SEX SCENE. IT WILL BE AWKWARD AF.

3. THERE WILL BE A "BIG REVEAL" THAT DR. GOODBODY IS ACTUALLY A REPLIGATOR.

4. THERE ARE GOING TO BE A FUCKLOAD OF FILMING MISTAKES.

5. SHITTY WORDPLAY/PUNS.

FINAL RATING:

THIS IS THE WORST EPISODE OF PLANET EARTH I HAVE EVER SEEN.

TAYLOR:

1. AT LEAST HALF OF THE SCENES WILL HAVE AWKWARD PAUSES BEFORE CUTTING AWAY.

2. THERE IS NO EVIL DOCTOR, JUST SCIENCE ACCIDENTS.

3. A LINE AKIN TO "YES, BUT AT WHAT COST" WILL BE UTTERED.

4. THERE WILL BE A REAL WORLD NEWS TIE-IN LIKE BILL CLINTON BEING PRESIDENT

5. THERE WILL BE DUDE BUTT.

FINAL RATING: 

A STEVE IRWIN PORN PARODY WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE TASTEFUL.

Episode 6: Yoga Hosers

Mick, Jesse, and Taylor watched Kevin Smith's second installment in the True North trilogy: Yoga Hosers, which stars Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith, and their daughters Lily-Rose Depp and Harley Quinn Smith and is the sequel to the movie Kevin Smith made on a dare. 

Yoga Hosers TRAILER (2016) - Johnny Depp, Justin Long Movie HD Subscribe to COMING SOON: http://bit.ly/H2vZUn Subscribe to TRAILERS: http://bit.ly/sxaw6h Like us on FACEBOOK: http://bit.ly/1QyRMsE Follow us on TWITTER: http://bit.ly/1ghOWmt 15-year-old yoga-nuts Colleen Collette and Colleen McKenzie love their smart phones and hate their after school job at Manitoban convenience store Eh-2-Zed.

TITS: 0

"FELLOW KIDS" JOKES: 21

CANADIAN JOKES: 43

JESSE

1. JASON MEWES

2. CANADIAN JOKES

3. HELLO FELLOW KIDS

4. MAD SCIENTISTS= BRATZI

5. TERRIBLE CGI

6. JOHNNY DEPP/ KEVIN SMITH IS BIG BAD

7. BRATZIS CRASH SENIOR PARTY. 

8. FIGHT MONTAGE INVOLVING YOGA POSES

9. EXCESSIVE NUMBER OF KEVIN SMITH/ JOHNNY DEPP FILM REFERENCES

10. FRIENDSHIP IS THREATENED THEN SAVED.

MICK

1. THEY NEVER GET TO THE PARTY

2. GOOD AT COMBAT FOR SOME REASON

3. GRATUITOUS CAMEOS

4. STUPID CANADIAN JOKES

5. WE WILL SEE A TIM HORTON'S

6. TERRIBLE CGI

7. THIS MOVIE WILL NOT HAVE A SATISFYING ENDING

8. THE GIRLS WILL END UP WITH NO BOYFRIENDS AT THE END BECAUSE THEY DON'T NEED NO MAN.

9. INACCURATE YOGA

10. GRATUITOUS MILLENIAL JOKES

TAYLOR

1. THE WORD "HASHTAG" WILL BE SAID ALOUD.

2. YOGA POSITIONS WILL BE SEXUALIZED OR FRAMED TO LOOK LIKE SEX

3. TWO HORRIBLY DATED 2016 "HIT TRACKS" WILL BE USED THAT WON'T AGE WELL

4. THE NAZI'S EVIL PLAN IS ONLY TO TAKE OVER CANADA BECAUSE THEY'RE SO PASSIVE

5. REMARKS ABOUT THE US BEING CANADA'S BIG BROTHER, OR THE US SAVING THE DAY ARE MADE.

6. THERE ARE PLASTIC-ESQUE (MEAN GIRLS) BITCHES AS PRIMARY ANTAGONIST FOR THE FIRST 15 MINUTES.

7. THEY NEVER GET TO THE PART. THE PARTY WAS IN THEIR HEARTS.

8. SAVING THE DAY MAKES THEM THE COOLEST SOPHOMORES, EVERY GUY HAS 10K BONERS

9. THEY STOP TO INSTAGRAM/VINE (RIP) AN INTERACTION WITH THE MONSTERS.

10. JOHNNY DEPP AND KEVIN SMITH ARE IN THE MOVIE (NO PARENTS, MAYBE NAZIS.)

Episode 5: Gods of Egypt

In this edition of Don't Watch This Shit, Mick, Jesse, Baby Brother Taylor, and Perpetual New Guy Sam sat down and watched the summer blockbuster Gods Of Egypt starring Jamie Lannister, Off-Brand Orlando Bloom, and Gerard Butler.

Subscribe to TRAILERS: http://bit.ly/sxaw6h Subscribe to COMING SOON: http://bit.ly/H2vZUn Like us on FACEBOOK: http://bit.ly/1QyRMsE Follow us on TWITTER: http://bit.ly/1ghOWmt Gods of Egypt Official Trailer #1 (2016) - Gerard Butler, Brenton Thwaites Movie HD A common thief joins a mythical god on a quest through Egypt.

# OF TIMES OFF-BRAND ORLANDO BLOOM SHOULD HAVE DIED: 6

TITS:

0

JEWS:

0

JESSE

1. MOSTLY WHITE PEOPLE

2. VAGUE BRITISH ACCENT: NO EGYPTIAN

3. GAUNTLET OF ENEMIES

4. STORM/INFILTRATE THE CASTLE SCENE

5. SET HAS SOME ARTIFACT AS SOURCE OF POWER

6. TERTIARY GOD IN 11TH HOUR

7. HERO ASCENDS TO GODHOOD

8. HERO TRAINING SEQUENCE

9. VILLIAN MONOLOGUE

10. GOD LEARNS ABOUT MORTALS

MICK

1. SURPRISINGLY ACCURATE MYTHOLOGY

2. GRATUITOUS CGI

3. WOULD PROBABLY MAKE A BETTER VIDEO GAME.

4. JESUS-LIKE SACRIFICE ENDING BY JAMIE L.

5. INCEPTION-LIKE SOUNDTRACK

6. NOBODY TRIES HARD ACTING IN THIS MOVIE.

7. DUMB ROMANTIC SUBPLOT FORCED IN.

8. PROBABLY GOING TO SEE A MUMMY

9. DYING WITHOUT BLOOD

10. REACH: SOMEONE WILL PART THE RED SEA.

TAYLOR

1. RA IS GOING TO BE A SEXY WOMAN.

2. SCENE WHERE THEY WEIGH SOULS WITH ANUBIS

3. THE SPHINX BEING BUILD STILL WITH NOSE

4. JAMIE LANNISTER IS IMMORTAL

5. GERARD BUTLER WILL HAVE NO ACTUAL MOTIVATION BESIDES EVIL.

6. THE HUMAN WILL WEAKEN THE VILLAIN TO MAKE HIM KILLABLE IN THE LAST FIGHT

7. THE HEROES GAINED SUPER AMAZEBALLS WEAPONS THAT WILL BE STRIPPED AWAY IN THE LAST FIGHT.

8. JAMIE LANNISTER HAS SEX AT LEAST TWICE, ONE TIME HE'S REAL SAD

9. SOMEONE WILL BE FED GRAPES LIKE HEDONISM BOT

10. VIKINGS OR ANOTHER FORCE WILL BE THE STINGER AT THE END.  

SAM

1. GOAL IS THE "EYE OF HORUS"

2. GIRL IS ACTUALLY A GOD AND DOESN'T REVEAL IT UNTIL THE END.

3. NO MENTION OF THE JEWS

4. HERO DOES IT FOR THE POON

5. HORUS LOSES TWICE

6. "MORTALS" GAGS

7. SOME SORT OF VERY INCORRECT EGYPTIAN IMAGERY

8. HUGE CGI SETS ALA STAR WARS OR LOTR

9. STRUGGLE ACCENTS OR NO ATTEMPT AT ACCENTS

10. MAIN CHARACTER MAKES HEROIC SACRIFICE

Episode 4.5: Sex Ed

In a special snow day edition of Don't Watch This Shit, Mick and Jesse got drunk and watched Sex Ed. 

Subscribe to TRAILERS: http://bit.ly/sxaw6h Subscribe to COMING SOON: http://bit.ly/H2vZUn Like us on FACEBOOK: http://goo.gl/dHs73 Follow us on TWITTER: http://bit.ly/1ghOWmt Sex Ed Official Trailer #1 (2014) - Haley Joel Osment Movie HD Eddie lands his first teaching gig at an inner city middle school and finds his highly pubescent pupils are receiving no form of sexual education.

Mick and Jesse get drunk and watch a movie.

1: References to Masturbation

2: References to Sex Acts

3: Tits

4: Sex Scene

5: We See Someone Crankin' It

1 Drink

2 Drinks

Shot

Waterfall

Finish Drink

Final Counts:

1: References to Masturbation: 6

2: References to Sex Acts: 20

3: Tits: 1

4: Sex Scene: 2

5: We See Someone Crankin' It: 0

Final Rating:

Jesse: 

Mick:

Episode 4: Sniper Special Ops

Mick, Jesse, and sweet baby brother Taylor got together for another episode of Don't Watch This Shit. We watched Steven Segal's Sniper Special Ops. It was not good.

Subscribe to Voltage Pictures for all our latest releases: http://bit.ly/1kjjbOy Sniper: Special Ops A Special Ops military Force, led by expert sniper Sergeant Jake Chandler (Steven Seagal), are sent to a remote Afghan village to extract an American congressman being held by the Taliban.

TITS: 0

EXPLOSIONS: 4

ONE LINERS: 1

MICK

1. Gratuitous Patriotism
2. Racist soldier on squad
3. Seagal goes back to save someone
4. One of the team members is a traitor
5. Nobody has done any research on guns/combat
6. Seagal gets the girl
7. Gratuitous puns
8. Someone is going to do that terrorist scream
9. Wilhelm Scream
10. Latent homoeroticism

FINAL THOUGHTS: GIANT WASTE OF TIME

JESSE

1. Steven Seagal is effectively immortal
2. Only one American is hurt
3. Girl is won by Steven Seagal in the end
4. Steven Seagal never removes sunglasses
5. Steven Seagal martial arts someone to death
6. Horrible gunplay
7. Steven Seagal speaks Arabic
8. Towelhead & Other Offensive slurs
9. At least one America! or USA!
10. Vic and Jake bromance. One of them brings up bet in the end.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I FEEL GUILTY FOR GIVING STEVEN SEAGAL MONEY FOR THIS

TAYLOR

1. There is no spotter at any point
2. Seagal is loose cannon cop, served for multiple tours
3. Little brother death scene
4. Flashback to little blonde girl running in yard
5. Reloading only twice
6. Seagal powers through leg wound at the end
7. Black hawks save the day like in LOTR.
8. RPG used on humans
9. Wilhelm scream from grenade throw
10. Comes from army family, his father, his father before him

Episode 3: The Chase

This month Mick Theebs, Jesse Roy, and special guest Amy Jay sat down and watched a forgotten jewel of the early 90's called The Chase, starring Charlie "The Sheenster" Sheen and Kristy Swanson of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame.

Director: Adam Rifkin Starring: Charlie Sheen, Kristy Swanson, Henry Rollins

TIT COUNT: 0

FELONY COUNT: 7

CAR CRASH COUNT: 10

MICK

1. At least 10 felonies will be committed
2. Girl has controlling father
3. Stockholm Syndrome: The Movie
4. Sex while driving
5. They won't have to stop for gas.
6. Charlie Sheen gets arrested
7. Girl stands up to her father.
8. Girl also gets arrested
9. Dated 90's references
10. Trash soundtrack

FINAL RATING: 

THERE ARE WORSE MOVIES, I GUESS.

JESSE

1. Charlie's Crime = Murder of someone close to the Sheenster
2. Charlie Sheen gets off scot-free
3. Kristy stands up to workaholic daddy
4. Highway to Hell
5. Lots of car explosions and crashes
6. Ramp Truck Ramp
7. Tractor-trailer with logs, steel, cars, whatever tips over.
8. If he doesn't get off (hehehe), prison phone conversation through glass.
9. Hardass police guy who HATES Sheeneroni
10. Police shootout

FINAL RATING:

JUST WATCH THE TRAILER

AMY JAY

1. Roadhead (PG-13 version)
2. Girl has Dad issues
3. Charlie Sheen had a rough childhood
4. The TV News is always at the right part of the story when someone turns on a TV
5. They get to Mexico
6. She gets him out of legal trouble because love.
7. No breasts
8. The whole movie takes place in <48 hours
9. No one gets shot
10. Car phone will get destroyed.

FINAL RATING:

WILL PUT ON WHILE CLEANING HOUSE

Episode 2: Racing Stripes

Jesse, Mick, and Taylor watched a movie about a talking zebra called Racing Stripes starring Frankie Muniz, Dustin Hoffman, and a bunch of people that were really hot in the -00's. 

Trailer of Racing Stripes Released 2005. "Watch In HD". 720p/1080i

TIT COUNT: 0
FELONY COUNT: 2
FART COUNT: 4
PUN COUNT: 30

MICK

1. I am going to hate the flies
2. Corrupt rich person
3. Last minute come-around from authority
4. Impossible assistance from animals
5. Fart Jokes
6. Animals are smarter than people
7. Stripe puns, oh god
8. Snoop Dogg weed reference
9. Single dad, dead mom
10. The power of friendship saves day

FINAL RATING:
PRETTY SHITTY

JESSE

1. No mother- probably dead
2. Zebra has easily corrected identity crisis
3. Flies/animals do rendition of song a la Shrek
4. Romance subplot for zebra
5. Excessive number of zebra jokes/animal puns
6. Snotty rich people rival
7. Slow-mo race finish/ camera finish
8. Zebra gets injured/sick/sabotaged before the big race
9. Fart jokes from animals
10. Barn animals get payback on snooty rich people

FINAL RATING:
PRETTY SHITTY

TAYLOR

1. No less than 2 farts for comedy
2. One Smash Mouth song
3. The mom is dead
4. Dad’s failure as racer will be flashed back to
5. Win by technicality (not final win)
6. “There’s no rule saying zebras can’t race”
7. Edgy use of the c-word (crap)
8. Female foil, super rich with horse, wears all white
9. Derpy doting boy friend friend
10. Colonel Sanders dressed in all white, cliche accent

FINAL RATING:
NOT THAT BAD, I GUESS

Episode 1: Road Trip

For a very long time, Mick has wanted to start a podcast. Today, that dream is finally realized as he and his dear friend Jesse started Don't Watch This Shit.

The basic premise of Don't Watch This Shit is Mick and Jesse pick a movie they have never seen before and anticipate to be a pile of steamy sweaty doo-doo. They then each construct lists of things they hope and expect to happen, watch the movie, and discuss whether or not the movie met their expectations before ultimately giving the movie a rating in the form of modern hieroglyphs known as emojis. Listen to the podcast below in addition to a written version of their lists and ratings.

When you're in a committed relationship and have sex with another person it's not cheating if.... You're in different area codes. You're with two people at the same time, because they cancel each other out. But it is definitely cheating if you videotape it and someone accidentally mails the tape to your girlfriend, which to his horror is exactly what happened to Josh.

Jesse

1. Tits
2. Tom Green does something gross
3. Dildo jokes
4. Gay jokes
5. Foreign people joke
6. Car trouble
7. Tom Green butt
8. Cum in face
9. School bus full of hot chicks/ weirdos
10. Creepy hitchhiker
11. Naked with tube socks
12. Doing something for money

Final rating:

Maybe

Mick

1. 6 different sets of tits.
2. Someone gets pooped on.
3. Someone catches on fire.
4. People shout "road trip" in unison
5. Sex with an older lady
6. Creepy hitchhiker
7. Farmer's daughter
8. Andy Dick Cameo
9. Girlfriend doesn't care about cheating
10. Dumb artistic ability

 

Final rating:

Probably Go Ahead